My mind never seems to be at ease until Caliyah was in a good place. It seemed like after a whirlwind of 7 weeks, we were finally getting out of choppy waters and into a calm place. My best friend from high school had reached out and asked if she could visit earlier in the month. I was hesitant at first because I had gotten used to dealing with my emotions by myself. By limiting my interactions with people, I was able to avoid having those hard conversations. My feelings had been all over the place, and the one time I had an outside interaction, I was a mess. For example, my neighbor accidentally got my Amazon package, so I stopped by his house to pick it up. He noticed I was no longer pregnant and said, “ The baby is here! Where is she? When can we meet her?” I broke down into tears, and all I could get out was she’s not home, she’s at Seattle Children’s. The look on his face of concern, confusion, sympathy, I will never forget. I realized just how hard it was for me to even explain to someone on the outside what Caliyah was going through. Until this visit, I was texting my friends because saying anything out loud made things feel too real.

So when my friend asked, I mentally hesitated, and then I thought about how good it felt to talk to my therapist, and I knew that having the company of a longtime friend would be even better. So I said yes, and goodness, I am so thankful I did. My friend Whitney arrived just at the perfect time. Caliyah had her skull surgery on Thursday, and Whitney came the next day. When we planned the trip, Caliyah was supposed to have her surgery two weeks later. So after a stressful ten days, I needed a good friend to come and take my mind away from everything, to laugh, smile, and get back to me. I didn’t realize how much energy I was exerting on Caliyah; it left me mentally and physically drained. I felt horrible leaving her side, felt guilty if I wasn’t pouring 100% of myself into her needs, but that weekend I focused on my needs.

Caliyah’s skull surgery went smoothly, and we could already see the swelling in her face go down. The nurses and doctors encouraged us to go home and get some rest. So Rome and I got our last cuddles in on Friday, and then a few hours later, I left to pick up Whitney. Just like I expected, I saw my friend, gave her a big hug, and tears just flowed as we sat in the car in the arrival terminal. I had to assure her they were tears of happiness. The sight of her reminded me of how I had lost myself over the last two months. I hadn’t hung out with friends, had any conversations about anything other than Caliyah during those months. When I tell you she spoiled me, I mean it. We started the day off with rest and made our way to downtown Seattle. We got mani-pedis, did some shopping at Target, walked around Pike Place Market, had lunch at Veggie Grill, and then ended on the most fantastic massage. The massage was like a resort, with robes, a tranquil area, hot pads, deep massage, foot washing, and some good conversation. It was all her treat. It was the perfect recharge day. My tank was on empty, my battery was fried, and I was running on fumes. I remember thinking throughout the day how I used to take care of myself, and I lost myself so fast. It had only been eight weeks, but it was like the old me seemed like such a distant memory.

My favorite part of the weekend was the gift she gave me on the first night, a beautifully framed family picture that now sits on my dresser. It was an 11x14 of my first family photo, taken the day I made it to Seattle Children’s 18 hours after delivery. So simple but so thoughtful. From that day on, I was able to see my Cali before bed and when I would woke up. Even though she was miles away at the hospital, I felt like she was always right there with us. As the months went by, it stood as a reminder of how far we’ve come.

Sunday afternoon came so fast; I took Whitney to the airport and then drove straight to the hospital to visit my baby girl. She was healing so nicely from her surgery and getting the light back in her eyes. For the first time since her birth, I felt like we were in a good place. I felt refreshed; my baby girl looked so comfortable. I vowed from that day on to take some time for myself. I signed up for a boxing gym and used the punching the bags to get some stress out. It felt so good to get outside, to move my body, and start to prioritize myself. I set a goal to read 20 books over the next four months before I returned from maternity leave, and the idea of this blog was starting to come to fruition.

Looking back at it, it was like everything was going too smoothly. Then COVID hit…