That first day at home was when I knew that these feelings I had wouldn't just go away after a good night's sleep, I was deep in my postpartum depression. I was in denial for a while. Maybe because women are taught to be strong, to reach for perfection rather than progress, so I didn't feel like I could show that I was weak. I tried so hard to fight it off, thinking if I didn't acknowledge my pain, then it would just magically disappear. I would learn that was the opposite; I had to admit I was struggling, so people knew I needed help.

I had so many triggers those first few days; social media was a big one. I would see so many new moms bringing their babies home and burst into tears. I would see a mom walking their toddler and break down, wondering if I would be able to enjoy that experience with Caliyah. It was so bad that I had to hide the UPPAbaby stroller in the corner, so I didn't always see it. I would walk by Caliyah's room and be so sad as I saw the empty rocking recliner, newborn outfits I couldn't put her in, so I kept the door closed for weeks. I felt like everywhere I looked, there was a trigger. So, I just laid in bed and slept; then my thoughts would soon overcome me.

There is so much information out there on how to say fit throughout your pregnancy, what you need on your registry, how to create your birth plan. It gets scarce when it comes to how to adapt to being a new mom, how to see the signs of postpartum depression, and honestly, all I saw was mom's killing it. I felt like my feelings weren't normal, but I quickly learned that was false as I started to have moms reach out to me and share their struggles with PPD. At that moment, I knew I needed to share my raw emotions to others. When they asked me how I was doing, I didn't give them that generic, "good," instead, I said, "I am not doing well." Crazy how being so honest with your feelings can start to make you feel better. The crazy thing is that for so long, that "good" that I was giving to others was exactly how I was doing. Life had come to me with minimal struggles. I worked hard, hit an obstacle, worked even harder, and then achieved my goal and repeat. This journey might have hit me way harder because it was so new, I had no response for it, no amount of work would change Caliyah's health. I noticed the more real I was about my current situation, the more comfortable I felt with talking about it, the more I talked about it, the more I could start to process my feelings and receive the love and support from others.

I started to tell myself, to struggle with a new challenge doesn't make you weak; it makes you human. Unfortunately, we've created a world that has made vulnerability and imperfection, unattractive. I needed to break down to grow. If you enjoy being at a standstill then, keep those walls up. If you like myself, thrive off of evolving, then I tell you to let your guard down with your needs. So, each day after that, I woke up and made an effort to get better. I started to shift my mindset from pity to pride. My energy needed to go towards what I could control. Being sad for myself wasn't going to change her condition, but me falling even more into a funk would impact her. I focused on stringing together good hours in one day, and then to back to back days. I quickly learned that healing is not a linear experience. Just as I would have two consecutive good days, I would be triggered, and back to the bottom, I would go.  I had to give myself grace and patience. Results don't come overnight, and here I am 16 weeks postpartum, and I'm still putting in the work.

Around four weeks postpartum, I could tell I needed help, that I didn't have all the answers for this new experience I was going through. That led me to talk to a therapist, and I am so thankful for her. Seattle Children's Hospital has fantastic resources, and a social worker had me do a "postpartum test." The questionnaire was about my feelings, moods, lifestyle, and my results made her say, "it would be good for you to talk to someone," and she handed me the card for their therapist. I looked at that card for weeks before I reached out and booked my first session. Talking to a friend is great, but having my therapist, gave me an unbiased person to talk to, she listened and gave me a perspective that I never had, which was what I needed. I felt no pressure to live up to the positive Falesha many knew, there was no expectations and judgment, and it was so refreshing. I began to lean into that.

I learned after her call, I needed to shut out all the noise and focus on myself and my family. That many people are going through more than they let on. I decided soon after that I wanted to share more of my story with the world. Sharing my story wasn't a play to get attention; it was to show others the real side of my motherhood journey. One that to the eye isn't this perfect image; it is hard work, lots of hours worrying, some crying, but still, I decide to smile. I still try to find happiness during the chaos. No matter how each day starts and ends, I have my daughter, so I will always be blessed and highly favored.

To my mom's out there, understand that those feelings of pain, anxiety, and sadness is okay. Being a mother is not supposed to be easy; it's supposed to be work. The fact you care so much already means you are a great mom. If you are in the throws of the emotions right now, feel them all. Just know that on the other side of that is growth. You are not alone, I was there, and you like many will get through it.